The Young Ones versus The Zombie Apocalypse
by Moonphase
Summary: The Apocalypse has come upon us all. Will the Young Ones be afraid? Will they triumph over the evil that has risen from the graves? Or shall their bickering doom them all?
1. Chapter 1

"_Today the illness continues as..."_

"NO!"

*Click*

"_As you can see, we are witnessing ever more cases of..."_

"NOO!"

*Click*

"_Oh God! Oh God they're here! They're he-!"_

"NOOO!"

Enraged Vyvyan flung the television remote in to the TV and began to kick the filthy, ruined couch. Mike wandered into the living area and watched with some interest before enquiring what had gotten Vyvyan so distressed _this_ time.

"There's nothing on telly except for the ruddy news! Nothing else! No 'Top of the Pops,' no 'The Good Life,' no 'Rainbow!' Just news, news and more news!"

"Well, well, well," Rick bounded down the stairs and ran into the living room, disregarding the fact that he was interrupting a conversation, "have I got some **news** for you guys!"

Vyvyan let out a roar of pure, unadulterated anger before lifting up the couch and hurling it at Rick, sending the screaming couch and Rick flying into the kitchen wall. Whilst the couch fell back on to the floor looking relatively sound, Rick slowly peeled off the wall and landed on the couch unconscious, bruised and slightly bloody.

"That was very impressive!" cried Mike with genuine interest at Vyvyan's antics as the punk sunk down into a kitchen chair his energy momentarily spent. "But all those shows you listed are shows you really hate."

"But I hate the news **more** Mike!" he argued, "come on, you _know_ me, you know how much I hate the news. It's all Rick's fault, every time I watched it he would go on and on about Thatcher and her attempts of suffocating the common man from his natural anarchistic ways, and in typical Pavlovlian manner I've come to associate the news with Rick's incessant bull-shit, and now I hate the news as much as I hate Rick!"

"That is quite a problem," agreed Mike, "But I'm afraid that I want to catch up with the news." He opened up a newspaper and began to read before, "hang on...this newspaper from days ago! Where's today's paper?"

"The paper boy hasn't been around for a few days," shrugged Vyvyan, "neither has the post man. You never noticed because you were shacked up with that girl, but we think they've ran off together, maybe to go live in France where no one will judge their weird relationship."

"Maybe," answered Mike vaguely because he wasn't really listening, "I'm goin' the corner shop to get a paper."

"Pick up some vodka while you're there," Vyvyan took some money out of Rick's back pocket and threw it over to Mike, "I'm gonna need it with all this 'news' malarkey."

Suddenly Neil burst through the front door looking more harassed than usual. "Quick guys! Get wood! Get stuff to put behind the doors and windows! Quickly!"

"I'm sorry," said Mike calmly, "but have we somehow gone into an alternative universe where you, Neil, suddenly start telling the rest of us what to do? Right, see I definitely need the paper, I can't keep up without it and life with you guys is difficult and confusing enough already."

He made to go to the front door but the wild-haired hippy stood in his way, waving his arms about his head and crying, "no Mike don't do it! It's crazy out there! Some seriously heavy stuff is going down. Look some lunatic even bit me," he showed them a nasty mark on his arm that looked like it was steadily turning green, "I think they were trying to eat me but after one bite they backed off."

"I'm not surprised," called Vyvyan, "you probably taste like really horrible, really smelly, really off lentils."

"You're the only one who is even a little bit nice to me," Neil said, ignoring Vyvyan and grabbing Mike by the shoulders, shaking him slightly, "please don't go out there man!"

"Watch the merchandise," Mike swept the hippy's hands of his shoulders, "I can handle a riot. It's par the course in this neighbourhood. I also can handle a little bite or two, the ladies tend to get a bit wild around me. It's fine. All part the parcel when you're as cool as I am. Now then, you need to move."

Rick meanwhile slowly came back into consciousness, vaguely hearing the sounds of an argument, but firstly hearing someone crying. He looked about, (hoping that the weeping was from Vyvyan so that he could point and laugh at him) but then to his dismay he realised the couch was crying. He looked down at it questioningly and it explained, "Vyvyan threw me...I thought we were all friends! I put up with your horrible bottoms being on me every day; the least you could do is not throw me around!"

Rick patted it cautiously in what was a sort of comforting manner before sitting up and asking what was going on.

"Oh Neil is keeping us all hostage." Explained Vyvyan calmly. "He won't let Mike out to buy the paper."

"Really?" said Rick, that dangerous, wild-eyed glint in his eye. He stood up and began to do that strange jolting style walk up to Neil, bobbing slightly on his feet and nodding so quickly one would think he was on some sort of crack-high, "weally Neil? Weally? Is this what it has come down to!? Is it weally?! Now you are FORCING us to stay with you? It's bad enough that you HOIST your personality on to us evewy day welentlessly with your insuffewable whining but now WE CAN'T EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE?! _How dare you!_ HOW **DARE** YOU!"

"Great," sighed Mike, "now you've got _him_ started!"

"No Rick man, you don't get it, I'm doing this for your own good. You can't go outside!"

"NEO-NAZI FASCIST!" Rick screamed, no longer listening to what anyone had to say for he was now being The People's Poet, doing what he was born to do; standing on his metaphorical soap box and screeching his ill-thought out opinion over everyone else's words, "CAPITALIST PWO-THATCHER COMMUNIST SCUM! You think this is ART? DO YOU? The pop-culturalist satirist's proletariats have you fooled! **Fooled**! You suck from the BOR-JWAY-ZEE teat everyday like the media-mesmerised vampire whore that you are! Aesthetically challenged you now plan to make the rest of us suffer at the hands of your ludicwous whims! I WON'T LET YOU DO IT! Webellion-quasher! Society-led, middle-class demon-spirited hate mongewer! Hoarder of the door! Spawn of Thatcherite stink-evil!"

"I'm sick of this," announced Vyvyan bluntly before getting a genuine early seventeenth century cannon out from under the kitchen sink and blowing a hole through the living room wall just behind the television.

Mike let out a little cheer and wandered through it, announcing that he'd be back in ten minutes while Neil cried out in horror.

"No you've doomed us all Vyv, you've doomed us all! Oh heavy man, heavy!"

With the hole leading the outside, the boys could now hear the endless droning of their former neighbours. "What's the band this week?" asked Rick, "they don't sound very good. I think we're losing our touch."

"It's not a band, it's our neighbours, it must be Christmas and they must be singing carols," said Vyv before sticking his head out the hole and shouting, "shut up you lot! You sound bloody awful!"

"Stop it man," whimpered Neil, "they're attracted by sound."

"They've all got their arms out in front of them," said a bewildered Rick, "is this some sort of new dance move? They look stupid! Like a pack of brain-dead zombies!" He laughed loudly and haughtily, because Rick always loved it when he could mindlessly mock others.

Neil, being the most intelligent person in the house at this moment, finally gave up trying to convince them to listen to him and ran upstairs to his bedroom, locking the door and repeating 'heavy' to himself like some sort of holy mantra.

The boys watched the people outside. All of them were pale, almost gren-skinned, with blank, dead eyes. They were also all heading towards Rick and Vyvyan.

"Can you see those girls coming up to me?" said Rick with pride pointing to some limping girls who ambled towards him, their deadened eyes focused on his scalp, "that's because I am cat-nip to the ladies! In fact, that's what I wanted to tell you about earlier..."

"I think there's something wrong with them."

"With who?"

"The girls. Well, everyone," Vyvyan looked around at the encroaching hoard, "we aren't throwing a party!" he yelled, "piss off! Look Rick they aren't even listening. I think they're sick or something."

"You are such a liar Vyvyan! You're just jealous because some sexy girls aren't into you." He reached out to one of the girls, a pretty blonde who was drooling heavily as she groaned the groan of the damned, put on his best charming smirk and smoothly asked, "soooo, what's _your_ name?" He pulled her arm, which came off with a wet _POP_!

Rick stared at it without much reaction.

"There's definitely something wrong with them!" cried Vyv running back indoors as Rick's brain finally stopped being shell-shocked and let out an almighty, girlish shriek flinging the arm back into the crowd before running into the kitchen.

Vyvyan pulled the cannon over and aimed it at the zombies, "I fought in the English Civil War don'tchya know!" cried the cannon bravely in a very proper English accent, before spewing cannon fire on to the streets, laughing now and then in between at the destruction. Vyvyan patted it fondly, feeling a kinship with it at that moment.

Rick, meanwhile, had decided to be useful and was hiding under the kitchen table, hugging his knees and rocking backwards and forwards.

"Rick! Get over here and help me kill some of these bastards!"

Rick shook his head in response and began to suck his thumb.

"Fine," said Vyvyan resolutely, "that leaves us with only one thing to do. I don't like it, but it's the only chance we have."

**To be continued.**

* * *

**A.N. Hm. Yep. I wanted to do a Young Ones fanfic ages ago, but I struggle a bit with getting their personalities right. I'm also very unfamiliar with doing 'wacky' story lines. So this is out of my comfort zone, but I really like The Young Ones. Sometimes Rick can say his R's, sometimes he can't. I found that in the show it varied.**

** I hope I did ok :/**

**If this is well-received then I'll finish it off. I think it'll be around 2-3 chapters, roughly. Also, the pic used is by xnafu and can be found on Deviant art. Just type in The Young Ones and it'll pop up on the first page.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N. Genuine apologies for how long this took. I'm not used to writing these sorts of stories (much better with angst and drama), so it took me while to write this much. I'm doing my best to keep them in character. An OC will appear in this, but she won't be here for long so don't worry about any weird mary-sue entering the world.**

* * *

Adagio for strings began to play over the sound of the groaning infected and the booms of the canon.

"You should go son," said the canon to Vyvyan who was leaning his forehead on it, "I can hold them back sunny-boy! Go, make something of yourself!"

"It's not right," cried Vyvyan, "it seems so cruel, to leave you behind like this."

"Go lad! Go!" the canon jolted to the side, knocking Vyvyan away from it. Vyvyan looked hurt, but he scrambled to his feet and ran to Rick who had turned into a gibbering idiot under the table (or rather, more of a gibbering idiot than usual.)

"It's what I want for you," whispered the canon, just as Adagio sweeps into its most dramatic part of the score.

"Come on filthy knickers," yelled Vyvyan, dragging an almost catatonic Rick up the stairs and flinging him into his bedroom. Vyvyan slammed the door shut and placed Rick's bed in front of it. "There, that should hold 'em for a bit."

"B-but what now!" whimpered Rick who had come out of his shocked phase and was steadily hurtling into hysteria, "what now, what now?! WHAT DO WE DO NOW!" He was about to shout some more but Vyv grabbed him and threw him onto the bed within a millisecond. Then he climbed on top of the sandy-haired boy and shoved a pillow over his face, making Rick thrash about futilely.

"We be as quiet as possible stupid! I heard Neil saying something like that. Makes sense, they seem pretty stupid, so maybe if we are quiet they'll forget us."

He lifted off the pillow and Rick coughed and spluttered and took in as much air as possible. Underneath him, the blankets began to move and wriggle about. Vyvyan wasn't shocked by much, but this action freaked him out quite a bit. "Rick! What's up with your bed?"

Rick looked down and poked the bed causing a high pitch cockney voice to shout, "ouch! Get off me you lummox!"

"Oh god," sighed Vyv, "don't say the bed's are now self-aware as well." He though anxiously of all the dirty things he had done in his own bed. It was weird to think it had been sitting there, quietly watching him abuse himself on it...

However, it wasn't the bed, it was a rather grubby human of the female persuasion.

Vyv gaped first at her and then at Rick, who looked overwhelmingly smug all of a sudden.

"Well, well, well Vyv," he jeered, "can't call me a virgin anymore can you?"

"Wait?" the red-head just couldn't wrap his brain around what was happening, "wait, you mean...you've lost your virginity, you've actually had..." he suddenly couldn't quite say the word 'sex,' it stuck in his throat like a large piece of boiled egg.

"That's right!" crowed Rick, "I've done the nasty, we were at it all night, hahahaha!"

Vyv grimaced, the unwanted vision of a naked, scrawny Rick flopping up and down like a pale fish dying helplessly forced its way into his mind.

"I think I'm going to be sick." He suddenly grabbed one of Rick's hat's and began to prepare himself to vomit into it. Rick wasn't concerned, he was too proud.

"Well it wasn't all night," said the girl, "more like seven minutes."

"Seven minutes of heaven!"

Vyv looked over at the pair, her still in nothing but a bra and presumably knickers (but the lower half of her body was mercifully covered over by Rick's blanket) and Rick on his knees looking haughtily at Vyvyan.

"It's disgusting," he complained before looking at the girl and asking the inevitable, "how could you? You got low self esteem or something?"

To be fair she wasn't much to look at. She was a bit of a female Rick really, all pale and shapeless, her bra was meant to be white but instead was covered in an array of interesting stains (_'maybe Rick helped stain them,'_ an evil side of his mind told him, making him gag all over again) and her skin was covered in white heads and pimples and generally quite dirty too. She scratched an armpit, revealing brown stubble as evidence that she hadn't shaved recently.

Vyv would still do her himself though, if she asked.

"I haven't got low self esteem," she sniffed haughtily, "I know I am a princess. But...I feel a bit funny." She rubbed her head, revealing a nasty injury on her arm and looked up at Rick. She pulled a face when she saw him, "eeewww, are you the horrible sod sweating and panting on me last night?"

"Yes I am and you seemed to qwuite enjoy it at the time!" barked Rick.

"I doubt that very much, especially afterwards when you wouldn't stop crying." (Rick was about to yell at her for this but she continued,) "What are you staring at?" she peered at Vyv who was focused on her bleeding arm, which was very similar to the one he had seen on Neil, it was very sore and slightly green. In fact all the skin around it was turning that unnatural pale shade of death. Vyv felt himself paling and unable to answer her.

"Oh he's just never seen a woman in a state of such undress before," Rick butted in smugly, feeling proud once again, "do humour him, he's a little pervy-bum, he just can't help it."

"How did, uh, how did you get that injury?" Vyv ignored Rick completely, backing away from the girl slightly and feeling around for a weapon.

"Oh I dunno," she looked at Rick, "did you bite me?"

"I most certainly did **not**! I'm not into all that kinky sort of stuff." (This was a lie of course, but Rick didn't want anyone to know his deeply perverted fantasies, not until he was rich and powerful enough to pay them all off for their silence anyway.)

"Maybe it was from before..." she muttered vaguely, suddenly looking to Vyv very pale and sickly, "I don't know I feel horrible and sick and poorly all at once! Just let me alone to sleep again will you? Be good lads and I'll let you do whatever you want to my vulnerable and pliant body if you give me a few hours kip."

Rick stared with wide eyes for a mere moment before bounding over to Vyv and whispering excitedly, "my god she's practically a _whore_! What do you say? We should let her have her rest, save her energy for later!" He made a few vile faces that Vyv assumed were meant to be sexy, but instead of beating Rick over the head (which the posh boy very much deserved) his mind was too busy wondering back to all the news reports he had seen about sickness. Soemwhere, in the addled, alcohol soaked brain, Vyv began to piece their situation together and was beginning to realise that hiding in Rick's room and waiting the whole unpleasantness out was probably not a sensible plan after all.

"We need to get her out of here you numpty," Vyvyan sneered, trying to hide his fear with a veneer of disdain for Rick, "I think she's one of them."

"What? One of those horrible dead girls? Ok she's a bit of a rough diamond but..."

"No, the bite. Haven't you watched any of the Hammer Horror films? She's saying she's ill and has a bite...what if what they have is some sort of infection? We should get her out of here. Hey you!" he barked at the girl suddenly, "get out! Now! Sod off!"

Stomping over to the bed he dragged it away from the door, even with the girl still on it, before ripping off the blanket, revealing her wearing her odd socks and a pair of knickers so filthy they rivalled Rick's and the masses of curly brown pubic hair sticking out of the sides.

"Oh god!" recoiled the punk before dragging the poor girl out of bed and opening the bedroom door.

"No you lunatic!" shrieked Rick, feeling very attached to his first ever lay, "you can't leave her out there with those things!"

"Yes I can, she's gonna be one of them, I know it!" He wrestled with the girl, finding her shockingly strong and she screamed and tried to bite him between her curses.

"You are just jealous because I got to have sex! Your own petty neuwosis around a pefwectly ordinawy coupling between two consenting adults is hardly excuse enough for muwder Vyvyan!" Rick crossed his arms, it was very difficult dealing with someone as insane and psychotic as Vyv everyday; he was a saint for dealing with the man, he really was.

"You cock-sucking filth mongerer!" spat the girl in a suddenly very demonic voice. Blood soaked frothy spittle began to pour from her mouth and her eyes began to roll and she continued to curse a struggling Vyvyan, "I'll eat your fucking heart!"

"Oh my god!" Vyv heard Rick squeak (Rick was not used to such language) just before he managed to put his hugely heavy steel toed boots to good use and booted the girl in her rump out of the room and into the hallway.

She let out an inhuman shriek and flew towards the door but he managed to slam it shut in time. The door thudded as she fell into it.

Vyv turned to Rick and saw him clenching his heart, "good god that was scary wasn't it?!"

Ignoring the imbecile Vyvvan pulled the bed in front of the door once more. "We need to get into a better hiding place. She was strong, no doubt she could smash through this door if she really puts her mind to it."

"But what happened? She was pwetty ordinawy and then she just," Rick made a few strange gestures mimicking her vomiting up the frothy bloody substance.

"I dunno, she's not the same as all them lot from downstairs. Maybe there's different types? We need to get somewhere safe. Safer than here."

Rick, after a few moments, joined Vyvyan on the bed. The situation began to lay heavily upon his shoulders.

"Gosh," he said slowly, "we actually have to try to think of a plan."


End file.
